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The Journey of Finding Partnership
What is love? Baby donāt hurt me, donāt hurt me, no moreā¦
My journey to find romantic love hasn't been easy, but I guess it's not supposed to be. Not gonna lie, many things in my life come very easily to me, from academic success to expressing myself. Anything that mainly involves self-motivation is like a walk in the park because I thrive on surpassing my own levels. Making friendships isnāt hard for me either because, although building a connection takes two, it has a simple no-pressure formula ofĀ just showing up.
However, romantic love isn't as logical as other types of love, and I dislike that. I hate living in this irrationality andĀ feelingĀ like I have to conform in a certain way to feel deserving of romance. In my past relationships, I showed up for my partners the same way I do for my friends and family, and it was either too much or too little. My scientific mind tries to figure out what effort I'm doing wrong, but it becomes so exhausting that I get in the mood to burn my romantic bridges, curl up in my safe corner, and stay there.
The older I get, the more I become increasingly claustrophobic in that safe corner. Constantly seeing long-term, married, or engaged healthy couples brings me joy, but it also saddens me. The scars from my past relationship trauma run deeper than just the cheating or blatant disregard I endured. I honestly saw (and sometimes still see) myself as an ugly duckling with pretty gowns and a nice personality. In my mind, if I do enough to show my appreciation for my partner, they have to stay, right? But that couldnāt be further from the truth, and that applies to relationships outside of romantic ones as well. When my mother passed away, I became so angry at family members who didnāt show up for her not even 10% of how she showed up for them. My jaded view of people influenced how I think about new people in my life, especially romantically. I see everyone as users aiming for their own gain rather than as imperfect individuals, and I found joy inĀ not showing upĀ and keeping people at armās length because, excuse my language, fuck you.
The words ofĀ āYou will find someone to love youāĀ felt very empty and passive to me, as it seemed like an insult even though I knew it came from a place of hope. However, as the days pass, Iām beginning to feel hope because my scars are pushing me to become stronger and not see myself as a victim of society's standards. Besides beliefs about beauty, my confidence in myself is very strong, and focusing my gratitude on who I am inside has helped me emerge from the dark cloud of ānever being picked.ā I cringed at even feeling this way, but itās my real emotion. I like to think Iām on my own timeline of āripening up for the sweetest love ever.ā Anyway, as my self-love grows enough to drown out the negative self-talk about my relationship journey, I feel more willing and accepting of approaching any type of relationship without feeling the need for a ālogicalā step and free to dance outside my safe corner to experience all that life has to offer.
GENRE: Weird West
We open up to a wild western bar. It seems like this bar is full of couples arguing and yelling at each other. A young woman, RIO, walks in and takes a seat next to THEODORE at the bar. RIO looks very out of place in this bar.
THEODORE: You lost? I donāt think this is the place for you pretty lady.
RIO: I know my way around.
THEODORE: GPS helps, but it doesnāt protect.
RIO: I donāt need protecting.
THEODORE: Who told you that? Those fancy plays at high schools with an insane budget? Showing you that life is an easy walk in the park? Well pretty lady, nothing is easy. I can show you that.
RIO: You know what I am here for. You know that I donāt belong here. So why are you withholding from me?
THEODORE: That attitude isnāt going to make it come any faster. Itās actually going get you stuck here with the rest of the ladies here that you look down on.
RIO: I donāt look down on them
THEODORE: āI donāt belong hereā. Did my ears malfunction?
RIO: You arenāt going to wordsmith my belief away, because you chose to stay stuck here.
THEODORE: Iām satisfied. Content. You found me. Pursued me. Using me to get closer to unlocking that fake door of love.
RIO: Theo. I need that key.
THEODORE: Women like you kill me. What makes you think that you deserve true love? You are just scum with makeup on. At least we are proud of our scum. You just continue to cover and prance around like you are worth something. You are going to open that door and find a cockroach behind it, because true love is not real. Unless you are going to make a cockroach your babydaddy?
RIO: Babydaddy? Iām going to be a wife.
THEODORE: Wow. Iām not worth nothing but just a key, but you will marry a damn roach
RIO: You know thatās not what I meant! You just reduced me to a babymomma! You keep reducing me like I wonāt fight back.
THEODORE: Fight back if you want toā¦ You will never unlock that damn door.
RIO: I willā¦ I will fight back because I am sick of this.
THEODORE: You must have forgotten that I am this town's best gunslinger.
RIO: Your gun doesnāt scare me anymore. Why must you hold that key hostage? You knew it was never going to be you. Deep down you know that you do not possess the skills to love, tender and care for me. You may be stuck in this cycle of hurt but I will defeat you and this cycle with love not intimidation.
THEODORE: Love doesnāt pierce shit nor change your life forever.
RIO: It absolutely does, but you've never seen it or felt it or tried to feel mine, so of course you canāt visualize love changing your life.
THEODORE: Blah, blah, blah. All of this passion, but you still havenāt unlocked your door. How many keys have you gotten from men like me, and you still havenāt opened that door? Face it. You. Are. NOT. worthy. You. Are. NOT. Worthy. You. Are. WORTHLESS. It is okay. You have a spot here with me to be worthless forever.
RIO: Iāmā¦ not worthless
Raven x Kelela is playing in the background. āOver the lineā
THEODORE: Face it. You talk such a big game and you do all of these self-care activities and motivation, just to get tricked again by a guy like me.
RIO: Iām not worthless.
THEODORE: If you were really worth something, that door of true love would have been opened for you without the scavenger hunt. Your friends who are getting married. In long-term healthy relationships. They are worth something because their door was opened for them. People see their value and you here searching for keys like a dummy.
RIO: Theo. Stop talking to me like this.
THEODORE: They sold you a dreamā¦ a fantasy of everybody finding their true love. They didnāt tell you that everybody is not worthy of love. There is a lot of money in selling the idea of love. And you fell for it like a DUMMY. Give up trying to open a door with 12 locks on it!
RIO immediately gets up and stands like she is about to draw her weapon
THEODORE: Oh please Rio. This would not be fair.
RIO: I challenge you! If I win, you are going to GIVE ME THAT DAMN KEY.
THEODORE: Oh. You will kill me? Step over my dead body for a dream? A fantasy?
Beat.
THEODORE: Okay. If you insist. Just remember that I am the best gunslinger in this town.
RIO: Get up nigga.
THEODORE: Wow.
THEODORE gets up and stands in front of RIO. He reaches for his gun. They are in a standoff for a good minute before RIO starts to pull out her gun to shoot. However, THEODORE is quicker and shoots RIO in both of her feet. RIO immediately falls down in excruciating pain. The onlooking women in the bar rush to RIO.
THEODORE: You got heart. I admire that. Slowly becoming one of us. Hereā¦
THEODORE throws a key down to RIO.
THEODORE: ā¦find your true love and I hope that you get the fulfillment that you're looking for.
THEODORE starts to walk away.
THEODORE: It might be hard to maneuver with your feet in pain like that though. (to BARTENDER) Get her some ice. (to RIO) Good luck, kid
RIO: Fuck you, Theo
THEODORE: Love you, too.
THEODORE walks away to the group of fella.
MAN #1: (to THEODORE) Man, she asked for it and then going to cry
MAN #2: You are better than me. If that was sheila, I would have shot her dead.
RIO is still being embraced by the women as the men gather around.
WOMAN #1: (to RIO) You are worth something sweetie. You see the scars I have on me. I have about 5 or 6, but I'm getting closer to getting out of this cycle.
WOMAN #2: We have you and we will uplift you.
RIO: Thank you ladies.
WOMAN #1: Grab that key and letās nurse you up.
RIO grabs the key and stares at THEO. THEO stares back. Tears in the Club x FKA Twigs starts playing. āTears in the club/Cause your love got me fucked up.ā
Comment below what you would name this piece!
Thank you for sipping from the stream of my imagination. See you on the next post š¦āš„